When Will They Be Back? – How to Help Your Child Understand Loss
Jul 19, 2024
The children I work with are the greatest source of my inspiration.
My latest article, for mums and tot’s magazine, was born out of an innocent question one little girl asked me after her grandmother’s passing ‘when will they be back?’
This got me thinking deeply about life, death and my beliefs.
Trying to explain death to a six-year-old was harder than I thought. I didn’t have time in that moment to ponder my response or craft a magazine article on the subject.
So, I responded honestly and sensitively, explaining that her grandmother’s love and spirit would last forever, even though she wasn’t physically there anymore.
It can be incredibly challenging to choose the right words in situations like this, particularly when discussing death, as it often stirs up our own unresolved emotions. Unlike other cultures that celebrate life and accept transitions, our culture tends to shy away from discussions about loss to shield our children from unnecessary distress. But evidence suggests that avoiding these discussions can be more harmful.
So, it’s important to have strategies in place to comfort and reassure your child during times of loss, regardless of your beliefs about the afterlife. And is helpful so moments like I had, don’t catch you off guard scrambling for the right words to break the bad news that they won’t be back.
Here’s a summary of some strategies I share in the summer issue of mum’s and tot’s magazine that can help you support your child through grief.
Be Honest
Be honest with them, as this will ultimately help them understand and accept the loss. This is vital in them coming to terms with reality.
Letting them know that the person/animal has died and won’t be back is the only way.
This is part of the healing and acceptance process.
Even though it’s a difficult conversation, it’s essential to gently and honestly let your child know that their departed loved one won’t come back in a physical form. While it’s painful to accept, explaining that they don’t do basic things anymore like eating, sleeping, breathing, or talking can make it clear that they’re gone for good.
Avoid Using Euphemisms
Euphemisms such as ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘passed away’ can confuse your child. They’ll only ask when they’ll wake up, or worse, they’ll be scared to go to bed at night in case they don’t wake up again. And if you say their loved ones are with God now, they may resent God and make it their mission to stay away from God altogether. Although I’ve found, children can naturally understand metaphors and stories that imply loss without explicitly mentioning it. I’ve been creating hypnotherapy scripts for adults using metaphors and stories for over a decade, yet this still continues to fascinate me.
But if you compassionately share the facts, it helps your child grasp and accept the loss, avoiding any confusion or distress later on.
You can still include your own cultural, religious, or atheist beliefs though, as these can serve as a source of comfort for your child, as they come to understand the finality of death.
Be Present
By observing and actively listening to your child, you can gain insights into how they are coping with the loss. Paying attention to any changes in your child’s behaviour can offer important insights on supporting them during this difficult time, even as you cope with your own grief.
Have they suddenly developed an irrational fear?
Are they waking up at night often?
Are they wetting the bed?
Has their appetite changed?
Maybe they are more aggressive or emotional while playing than usual?
Keep Routines & Activities Going
Routines will help them feel safe and keep a sense of normality in their lives. Stick to consistent mealtimes, bedtimes and normal day-to-day activities where possible. It’s also helpful to arrange activities you know they enjoy. No one feels like having fun at sad times, but this is exactly when your child will need a distraction the most.
Listen to their Emotions
Encourage them to talk about how they are feeling and actively listen. Don’t feel you need to have to fix things, though.
You don’t and really you can’t.
There are no words of wisdom that will take away the pain. Just being there for your child and giving them the space to express their emotions can make a big difference.
In our setting, children find emoji cut out cards useful for recognising and handling their emotions.
We use the Twinkl resources. https://www.twinkl.co.uk/ We are not getting paid to promote them here, we are not affiliated with Twinkl in anyway, we pay to use their resources. They also have great resources for parents.
Keep Their Memory Alive
Help them create a memory box that relates to the person they’ve lost full of precious photos, or memorabilia such as fur, a paw print, jewellery, letters, or tickets to the cinema or sporting events they’d attended together.
The Stages of Loss
It’s good to understand the stages they will go through while dealing with the loss of a loved one.
Such as shock, separation and denial – they just don’t believe that what’s happened is real.
Pain- It’s painful, and it hurts in many ways.
Blame and anger- Believing it’s their fault. Your child may think it’s something they’ve done or not done. If only they had listened more or behaved better, their loved one wouldn’t have gone away. They may be angry at themselves or others they feel are to blame.
Bargaining and guilt –They may feel guilty, ‘if only I had kissed Granny when Mum told me to say goodbye?’
We know this has nothing to do with what’s happened, but to a child, their imaginations create fantastical stories, where the world revolves around them. They may even think if I’m good now, they’ll come back.
Depression and despair- they feel empty, numb and lost and believe no one or nothing can ever make them feel better. This is the hardest stage.
Acceptance- they now realise they’re gone for good, but they’re okay. They’re carrying on with life with fleeting moments of sadness.
During times of sadness or fear, having a supportive network of loved ones becomes crucial for healing and reorganisation. Where everyone works together to ease the absence and support the healing process.
The time a child takes to go through each stage will depend a lot on how healthy physically and mentally they are.
The kind of loss and the emotional connection to the person or thing they’ve lost, as well as any other losses caused by that loss.
They may have had future plans or dreams that involved the person or pet they’ve lost. The absence of this individual or animal can disrupt these plans and aspirations, leading to feelings of disappointment and grief.
Encouraging your child to turn to supportive family members, friends, or trusted adults for emotional support will help the healing process.
Ultimately, how resilient your child is will depend on how they cope with the loss. But don’t think just because they seem to get on with things okay that they’re being resilient. Sometimes children will adopt coping mechanisms to repress their anxiety.
To read more about this check out the full article in the summer mums and tot’s magazine on sale now or get your digital copy here magzter. mums & tots
How have you approached loss with your child I’d love to hear?
Continue the conversation on my socials and share what worked or didn’t work for you or your child?
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Much Love, Em x
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