We often hear as mums that self-care isn’t selfish, but it can take years of un-conditioning and unlearning before we truly make ourselves a priority.
It’s the same with our children, the messages they constantly receive growing up is, 'don’t be selfish," “put others’ thoughts and feelings first,” “share,” and “be kind.” Yet, teaching our kids to be selfish – in a positive, self-nurturing way – should start young.
Being Selfish
Please don’t misunderstand this term; it isn’t meant in a negative or self-centred way. When we speak of raising more “selfish” children, we actually mean helping them build these five essential aspects of self:
- SELF-BELIEF – What our children believe they can do, achieve, or become.
- SELF-IMAGE – How they view themselves, for example, how they see their intelligence or physical attractiveness.
- SELF-RESPECT – How well they care for and treat themselves in general, including their diet and exercise.
- SELF-CONFIDENCE – How sure they are in their own ability and how they assert themselves.
- SELF-ESTEEM – How they acknowledge their good qualities and feel about themselves overall – including how much they like themselves or believe they deserve all the good life has to offer, and how closely their ‘real self’ aligns with their ‘ideal self.’
These five aspects often influence one another, though not always in the same way for every child. One child may have a positive self-image and consider themselves attractive, yet lack confidence in their academic abilities. Another might excel in sports but have low self-esteem in other areas. It all depends on what each child values most.
Feeling Normal
Children naturally want to fit in and feel “normal.” This doesn’t mean suppressing their true nature or being inauthentic; it means having the confidence to be themselves, regardless of how different they might be from others or what emotions they experience.
Remember, there are no “good” or “bad” emotions – all feelings are messages that something may be off and need attention.
Our children need to learn to listen to and respond to their emotions, not ignore or hide them.
Validating their feelings is crucial. For instance, if your child gets angry when another child snatches a toy off them, remind them that it’s normal to feel angry. Often, our first response is to insist they behave in a more acceptable way, telling them not to be angry, or that “two wrongs don’t make a right,” and even forcing an apology.
This can overlook the fact that their anger is a natural response, and may leave them feeling bad or ashamed.
Know Thyself
Sometimes, it’s best to step back and let our children be themselves. However, with so much influence from others, they may begin to believe that being truly themselves isn’t good enough.
This pressure to change—to fit in, be accepted, or even to rebel—can damage their self-esteem and affect their self-confidence in every area of their lives, sometimes leading to unhealthy habits or associations.
Mum Knows Best
While we often think we know what’s best for our child (and usually we do), it’s vital for them to get to know themselves.
Self-awareness is the key to discovering their true selves and passions; without it, they might chase the wrong goals.
Socrates once said, “Know thyself,” yet this is often difficult for our ever-changing children.
We can support them by helping to form a positive impression of themselves and life while they are young. The beliefs they develop now will influence their future actions and who they become.
Unfortunately, many of these beliefs are shaped by other people’s opinions. Negative comments from authority figures, for example, can stick in their minds and create self-limiting beliefs that hold them back.
LABELS STICK
If left unchallenged, these self-limiting beliefs can become the enemy of success, health and happiness.
Particularly potent are those formed by parents or teachers.
If a child is told, “You’ll never be any good at [subject],” that negative comment can become a subconscious truth—even if, later on, they prove otherwise.
Labels such as ‘naughty’ or ‘stupid’ can stick. And just like superglue, even when removed, can leave unwanted damage underneath.
Maybe you yourself got stuck with an unwanted label when you were at school?
After all, we are all just children who grew up!
I don’t mind sharing with you that I got glued to a self-limiting belief given to me by a teacher when I was younger!
I write about the label I lived with in my book The Powerful Proactive Parent’s Guide to Present Parenting.
I won’t name Mr Jenkins because that would be cruel, and I don’t like name calling. But a maths teacher I once had told my Dad at a parent’s evening when I was only eleven or twelve years young, that I ‘Wouldn’t go very far in life and wouldn’t be able to achieve much because I was no good at maths.’
My Dad still reminds me of this comment to this day, and I’m now forty-seven years old. Just goes to show how long a label can be attached to someone!
Thankfully, that bully of a teacher who used to humiliate me in front of the class and throw board rubbers at his pupils was wrong!
I have a couple of successful businesses now and guess what?
I can afford an accountant and can also use a calculator to do my own accounts if I choose!
Often, subconsciously, children will search for ways to confirm those discouraging statements. Our role is to challenge these beliefs by exploring where they came from, asking whether the source was reliable, and reinforcing all the things our children are good at.
There will always be challenges, but with the right support and encouragement, nothing is impossible.
Outdated Information
Children under seven are especially impressionable and tend to absorb anything that upsets or stands out to them, particularly traumatic events. They store these experiences in their subconscious for future reference, which can be helpful for safety but can also be wrong, misguided, or outdated.
Even as they grow older, past experiences may continue to influence their actions, thoughts, or feelings.
And over time, these self-limiting beliefs can accumulate, leading to fears and restrictions.
PERSISTENCE
Persistence is key to success. Even Lionel Messi regarded as one of the top footballers of today struggled against limitations due to a growth hormone deficiency. Many people, including coaches, doubted his ability to make it as a footballer. He faced physical challenges and limiting beliefs imposed on him, but he persisted regardless
Even if your child struggles to stay positive or feels frustrated, persistence will eventually lead them to success. That’s why, when they don’t succeed at first, you must encourage them to keep trying until they do!
They won’t want to persevere if they don’t want to learn something or feel they can’t though.
Overcoming this ‘I can’t’ can be challenging in itself, but if we try, then our children will too.
I’m not fond of the word ‘try’ as it implies failure, but in our house, we have a saying to overcome the ‘I cant’s’;
‘I can’t’ is just ‘I can’ with a T for Try!’
This encourages reluctant children to try and overcome things they thought they couldn’t.
If others impose limiting expectations on them, these beliefs only grow stronger.
Fortunately, with proper encouragement and support, children can overcome these limiting ideas. For example, if a child repeatedly falls off a bike and starts believing “I can’t ride a bike,” we can help them build confidence through patience, persistence, and practice until they eventually learn. And by questioning vague statements like “I’m no good at sport” and asking for specifics—“What sport? Why do you feel that way?”—we help them see that one sport doesn't mean all sports or one not so good performance or a setback are not permanent truths.
Labels can stick, but they don’t have to define us or our kids—forever. With the right tools and mindset, we can help our children break free from limiting beliefs and discover their full potential. If you’ve ever struggled with labels yourself or want to learn more practical ways to boost your child’s confidence and self-esteem, you’ll find plenty of tips and insights in The Powerful Proactive Parent’s Guide to Present Parenting.
I know mums find it hard to read so get your audio book here to listen to AUDIO BOOK THE POWERFUL PARENTS GUIDE
Together, we can raise happier, more resilient children and maybe heal a little of our own inner child along the way.
Stay Present, Em x
Stay connected & join our Newsletter Mumatherapy Motivations for working mums in need of some weekly motivation with tips & Support.
RELAX, RESTORE & RESET!
Download your free Mumatherapy Muma Got Goals Free Goal Book & Easily Achieve Your Goals
Don't worry, your information will not be shared.
We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.
