The big day has arrived when your baby has started childcare, school or university for the first time.

It’s a nail-biting time, I know.

But whose most anxious you or your child?

If you’re anything like me, then it’ll be you who will be on edge. 

What if they don’t make friends?

What if they’re sad and miss me too much?

What if they can’t look after themselves?

What if something happens to them?

What if… what if?

The what if’s go on and on until you are fraught with despair and your hearts beating out your chest? 

No matter how old your child is, they’ll always be your baby.

I get it, I’m that muma too!

My children are young adults and I still track their whereabouts on an App, so I always know where they are…. just in case!  

Maybe your own parents smothered you obsessively and were overly anxious or over controlling, or maybe they were the opposite and didn’t care at all? 

However, you’ve adopted your parenting style doesn’t matter. It’s recognising that there’s a fine line between caring and controlling. And the latter affects you just as much as your child.

What if you allowed yourself to only think about all the new friends they’ll make?

Or all the fun they’ll have playing?

Or valuable lessons they’ll learn?

What if your kids are more capable and resilient than you think?

What if their self-confidence and self-reliance grew from wiping their own bum or tears or learning to cook their own noodles?

Well it does but what happens if four weeks in and they haven't settled?

Once the novelty of the shiny new shoes and lunch box fades, or cooking and cleaning for themselves becomes a chore, the reality sets in that this is now the norm. This leads to full on kicking and screaming at the school gates or anxiety.

As a mum, it’s gut wrenching to go through as well as being a little embarrassing too.

You want your little one to be excited about this next big adventure, but they hate it!

And you dread each day dropping off at school or childcare.

Each morning you feel more and more anxious before getting out of bed knowing what lies ahead, or

maybe you get the late night call saying 'Mum I hate it here I want to come home!.'

What do you do?

Naturally you worry and your inclination is to rescue your child big or small.

It’s good to remember our kids are like emotional sponges, absorbing all our feelings.

TRANSFERENCE

You might be hyping up how fun school is, but if you’re worried about whether they’ll ever like school, they’ll pick up on it. And if they pick up on your nervousness, they’ll think there’s something to worry about. And with your child starting uni, if you keep pointing out all the dangers that lay ahead, they'll fear their freedom.

Equally, if they excitedly run into school with not so much as a backward glance or goodbye, or cant wait to pack their suitcase, then that’s okay, too.

I’ve worked with many mums who feel upset about this, fearing their child won’t miss them or doesn’t love them or need them as much anymore. But your child doesn’t have to be happy or sad whenever you are not around. And it doesn’t mean anything except the meaning you give it.

If they can’t wait to leave you and try out new things, it shows what a great job you’ve done in helping them to feel secure and confident without you. You just have to allow them to settle into new experiences in their own way and in their own time. Providing you feel relaxed and optimistic about the changes, eventually, they will too.

Maintain Emotional Control

Its never easy trying to hide your own anxiety.

Often you won't even realise you are showing your child how anxious you feel. Maybe the SOS Life saving Kit you packed with pepper spray and keyring alarms or the freezer full of your stew was just a loving mum gesture, but it speaks volumes. 

You let your fears be known by unconsciously kissing your child more than once when dropping them off at school or calling them back for a kiss or a cuddle once they have gone off to play at the childminders house.

And picking them up or carrying them in your arms, and confirming how they are feeling with words like ‘I know, I’m sorry, Mummy won’t be long’.

But you’ve absolutely nothing to apologise for.

And the more you show your lack of confidence in their ability to cope without you, the more they panic. Then they go into fight or flight mode aka a melt down.

Relax Restore Reset

Being mindful of how your past or your own emotions influence your child is important.

When you were a child, you may have felt unsure and worried about things like going to school. But those were your anxieties and experiences. This doesn't mean your child will or should feel the same way.

It is likely if you feel upset or anxious though, your child will too.

That's why it’s important to regulate your emotions first in order to help your child.

You need to make them feel better and let them know everything will be alright. That’s not possible if you’re feeling emotional. 

Once you stop stressing, you can actually help your child prepare for change and they’ll relax too. Not overreacting to their emotions and addressing your own anxiety and behaviours will help them feel safer and more secure.

If your child is older and off to university this can feel worse than their first day at nursery school. They may have moved to another part of the country and you may be feeling empty nest syndrome.

So before the school /childcare drop off, take a breather and relax and try this 5 -Minute Meditation to Realign and Centre Yourself.

5 Minutes to Realign and Centre Yourself

Place your right hand over the left side of your chest. Close your eyes and take in a deep, slow, breath and repeat this 3 times.

Visualise calm, peace, and balance within yourself as you focus only on your breath. 

Spend about 5 minutes meditating, allowing your breath to bring you some calm and peace of mind.

If thoughts pop in (as they do) say the words

‘RELAX,’

‘RESTORE,’

‘RESET,’

And feel yourself calming down gradually. Feel yourself restoring on a cellular level, and mentally resetting.

Need Some Extra Help?

Trusting in your child's ability to cope without you (and you without them!) is not easy.

I know firsthand as a catastrophising mum myself, that this can be tough to do.

If you need help with this, I’ve created a hypnotherapy and EFT Mini-Course that can help you, called Chaos to Calm -STOP CATASTROPHISING ( you can watch the intro video on this blog for more information)  Chaos to Calm STOP Catastrophising Mini Course (emmagrantauthor.com)

How to Help Your Child

Your child's dependent on you for security and safety because you’ve always been there for them. That's  a good sign that you both are attached to each other. It’s the special relationship you two have. That’s why they get all clingy and upset when you’re not there.

They’re anxious about the unknown, but gradually, once they get familiar with the new routine, the people and the environment, they will adjust at their own pace.

Taking them home when they have a tantrum or get upset is not a solution that works long term. You have to go to work and they need care or an education. They just need to learn how to cope independently without you.

Of course, change is always hard for all of us, so here's some tips!

Here's some tips

If your child has just started full-time school, they won’t be used to doing everything for themselves. Some classes can have around thirty children in them and only two teachers, which means your child will have to learn how to become self reliant.

This means;

Using the toilet independently and washing their hands without help.

Dressing themselves, such as putting shoes and coats on for playtime or a PE Kit.

Using cutlery.

Making friends.

Tidying up after playing.

Learning to follow instructions and listening.

You can help them practise this at home by encouraging them to dress themselves. Use cutlery and lay the table and tidy up their own toys after playing with them. Inviting classmates over for a play date or tea.

Playing games such as ‘Simon Says’ and ‘Eye Spy’, so they learn to listen and follow instructions.

Using a reward system such as a sticker chart can help motivate them too!

It’s also good to be mindful that they’ll be extra tired. All that new information and longer days can make them feel exhausted. This can cause regression, such as accidents, bedwetting, nightmares, and temper tantrums.

It’s natural to ask them about what they’ve done that day at childcare or school, but the answer is usually universally ‘I don’t know or I can’t remember!’

Is this separation normal or not?

It’s also perfectly natural for both you and your child to feel apprehensive when starting school, university or childcare. It’s a big step.

When you see them so upset, it’s difficult to believe that it’s for the best.

But the truth is, you are actually helping them face their fears and overcome them.

To be autonomous learners, children need freedom to explore. To take some safe risks. And discover life for themselves. Socialisation with other children also helps them to learn how to communicate and get along with others.

But there are some children who experience a more extreme than usual type of separation anxiety.

This is called Separation Anxiety Disorder, or SAD.

SAD is extreme fear and distress when separated from you.

If they cling to you when you go to the bathroom, and are no longer interested in activities, days out, or playing with other children, they could be experiencing SAD.

The mere idea of a playdate at a friend’s house can cause panic and physical discomfort in children with SAD. Fearing something terrible will happen to you when they are away from you is debilitating and can affect every area of their lives. It can even cause insomnia, fearing you won’t be there when they wake up.

Anxiety can also suppress their appetite. And all of that can make your child clingy and emotional. 

SAD is a more serious emotional issue that needs professional help. It’s tricky to tell the difference between SAD and normal separation anxiety, but help is available for both.

All children develop and progress at different times. If, however, your child is crying for a month, withdrawn and not engaging with others, speak to a medical professional. Seeking help as soon as possible will help long term.

What if you have a catastrophic child?

If you receive the Mumatherapy® Newsletter, keep an eye on your inbox for tips on how to  help calm your child’s catastrophising or join me on next week’s blog for a few coping mechanisms you can try.

Can’t wait that long?

Then you can read all about Catastrophising Kids in my latest article in Mums and tots Magazine, Autumn issue on sale now or get your digital copy here Mums & Tots Magazine

Until next week, relax Muma, I got your catastrophising covered 😊

Em x