Motherhood is a reciprocal journey – when you feel good, your child feels good, creating a positive loop of well-being.
That’s why Mumatherapy® is all about nurturing both you and your child’s happiness.
Your child brings you joy, and you bring them joy too. But you can’t keep them happy all the time. And they won't always make you feel that way either.
Last time we explored how your warmth and understanding as a mum helps communicate to your child that you love them and everything’s okay. And how fostering this contentment that ‘all is well in their world’ gives them a sense of calm.
But we recognised that this isn’t always easy to do, especially when your reality is more 'far from okay' than 'all is well.'"
I’ve since received emails from mums asking ‘Am I responsible for my child’s happiness?’ So, I’d like us to address this very important question today.
Am I responsible for My Child’s Happiness?
‘Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulders.’
Henry David Thoreau.
And this is true for your child’s happiness. You cannot make your child happy. Happiness looks different for a 4-year-old than it does for a forty-year-old, so what makes your child happy will differ from what makes you happy.
But you can put your attention on the other things that will positively affect your child’s happiness. Such as establishing rules and routines they can follow and prioritizing your own self-care.
U Time
U Time is time set aside for dedicated self-care activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether you’re into books, baths, music, meditation, or walks, making self-care a priority brings a sense of wellbeing and self-compassion.
Your child wants you to be happy as much as you want them to be happy. A happy mum equals a happy child. So don’t feel guilty over spending time on self- care.
That’s why U Time comes first in The UURSELF Routine I use with parents. I recommend you try this routine out with your child if you want to help them feel happier and more content. Children thrive on healthy routines.
It’s those little habits your child does consistently every day that determine their overall happiness.
Healthy habits = happiness!
You can read all about The U URSELF Routine in my first book, The Confident Parents Guide to Raising a Happy Healthy and Successful Child
FOMO
Likewise, it’s important for your child to have independent playtime, allowing them to explore and play freely without your involvement.
Keeping them busily entertained all the time doesn’t stop them from getting bored. Instead, it teaches them they constantly need you to entertain them, and that’s a cycle that never ends.
FOMO (fear of missing out) is the enemy of contentment. If your child is constantly wanting, wanting, wanting, but never satisfied or dependent on others for entertainment, then they need to learn how to be happy with themselves. This means they need the opportunity to feel bored and time for solitary play moments. This gives them space and time for their curiosity and creativity to flourish.
Your Child Need’s You to Do Other Things
Don't feel guilty over spending time on self-care, working or attending to household chores. Those things need doing to support your child’s happiness. If you don’t work, there’s no money for the things your child needs, such as food and clothes. If you don’t attend to the laundry, they won’t have clean clothes to wear.
And using your time to do things you want to do will make you feel happier, making you a calmer, more content, and relaxed parent. What every child needs and wants.
Even if you could give your child a hundred hours a day, it wouldn't be enough. Your child’s need for your time and attention is insatiable, but when you do spend relaxing, fun time together, everyone benefits.
It’s not selfish to satisfy your own needs or do what you have to do to provide the best life for your family. It’s the one thing that will prevent burnout and those feelings of resentment towards your child for taking up all your time and energy. That’s why it’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your child.
What Your Child Needs to be Happy
If they get Us Time with you, (the second pillar in The U URSELF Routine ) then you don’t have to stress about making time for yourself because your child will receive daily attention from you.
They also need playtime. Daily Recreation to re -create and exercise will positively affect their happiness.
It will also help them sleep better. Sleeping is super important to you and your little one’s happiness.
A sleep deprived parent and child is an emotional disaster. If they aren’t getting their zzzz’s, then they won’t feel happy. If your child doesn’t have a regular sleep routine yet, now is the time.
Moods Matter
How your child thinks and feels about themselves is vital to their health and success in life, not just now, but in their future, too. That’s why Self- esteem is the fifth pillar in The U URSELF Routine. A lot of FOMO comes from your child wanting to fit in and be like their peers. If such a definition as ‘normal’ exists, then that’s how you want to help your child feel.
No child feels happy every second of the day, though. Their moods and emotions fluctuate. And these emotions, both good and bad, teach them so much about themselves.
Showing love to your child during mood swings and tantrums helps them feel safe expressing their emotions. This enables them to navigate their feelings and gain a deeper understanding of themselves and their surroundings.
Love is the sixth pillar in The UURSELF Routine, but it’s obvious that you love your child because you’re taking the time to read this now.
Finally, the seventh pillar is food. Food is your child’s fuel. To keep their blood sugars balanced, they need regular nutritious meals and healthy snacks to support their happiness. Of course, the occasional treat will also make them happy too!
Your Child Has to Discover Their Own Happiness
Taking the pressure off you to make your child happy and putting your energy into The U URSELF Routine will support your child’s happiness. But they have to find what makes them happy. This isn’t something you can do for them. Constantly trying to make your child happy is unrealistic and unachievable. And it robs them of finding their own happiness.
The only way anyone can appreciate happiness is if they’ve known unhappiness. By your child discovering what makes them unhappy, they gain clarity on what makes them happy.
So, it’s not your job to sprinkle happiness magic on your child whatever they do. It’s their responsibility to find happiness within themselves.
If your child seems miserable when they can’t get their own way, this doesn’t mean they’re unhappy. They just can’t get what they want and that’s something they need to learn in life. You can’t always get what you want!
Children think and act in the now and go for instant satisfaction. That’s why they appear selfish and me, me, me, orientated.
It’s easy to be annoyed at their behaviour, but it's natural for them to feel unhappy when they can’t get what they want. It's in those moments, they're seeking compassion and understanding.
Next week, we'll look at how we can cultivate compassion, and learn a secret trick to silence your own inner critic and stop punishing and blaming yourself.
Just know you don’t have to shoulder all the responsibility for your child’s happiness. Show them how to be happy by working on your own happiness.
Be kind to you. You’re a good enough mum, and that’s always good enough.
Stay Present, Em x
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