Tips to Overcome Separation Anxiety
Sep 29, 2023
We looked at ways you can help your child foster independence in our previous blog. So here’s some ways you can assure your child of their safety when away from you and reduce their anxiety.
Plan and Prepare
Always give your child plenty of notice when they will be away from you. Tell them where they are going, when, with whom, and why?
Prepare to make things less stressful, so they know what to expect. You can do this by reading books on starting childcare or school.
Have them make friends with other children at childcare or school by inviting them for playtime at your house.
Take them to a friend’s home without you and reassure them you’ll be back to take them home after they have fun.
If dropping your child off somewhere is too stressful, have someone else drop them, such as their childminder, grandparents or your partner.
It’s good to prepare yourself too. Expect that your child may not take to a new place or person straight away. That way, you’ll be more prepared to cope if that happens.
Listen and Comfort
Children just want to express their worries and feel comforted and heard. Worries won’t just go away if they don’t talk or think about them. Anxiety will grow with them if they can’t address it. Talking is a healing therapy that you can do with your child. Talk about what’s bothering them and actively listen to their concerns. Emotions are there to tell us something, not to stop or get over, so use your child’s emotions as clues.
Set up a routine where they can openly express how they are feeling and feel listened to.
In the U URSELF Routine that I use with parents ‘Us Time’ is daily time set aside for this. You can help eliminate concerns they have by using ‘Us Time’ to let them discuss issues. Dedicated one-on-one time with you will help them offload worries and think things through.
Encourage younger children to use emoji faces to express their emotions. This will help you understand what the feeling is they have and give them reassurance that you hear them and you understand how they feel.
Older children will enjoy creating a ‘Bother Box’ This is a box they can place all their bother’s into, so they don’t build up in their head.
To prevent worries from going unaddressed, find an old shoebox and ask your child to decorate their box as they choose with paint, crayons, or stickers. Buy a pack of copier paper, and each time they feel bothered by something, encourage them to draw a picture of whatever is bothering them and place it in the box. Then, as part of ‘Us Time’, you can take the time to sit down together and go through the concerns in the box. This ensures that they always have a place to put their concerns, even if we can’t instantly address them.
I like to use the Twinkl Mood Monsters Cards with the children I work with.
Mood Monsters Cards (teacher made) - Twinkl
Take Comfort
Allowing them to choose and take comforters with them whenever you won’t be around, such as a teddy, blanket, dummy, or toy, is also a good idea. This offers them some control and choice, as well as comfort from home that’s familiar.
Paint a Positive Picture
Before leaving your child somewhere new, paint a positive picture beforehand. This helps them to view any changes optimistically—as an enjoyable experience.
To build excitement, tell them about all the fun things they will do, and choose things you know they like doing, such as painting, or play dough.
Take them for a visit beforehand with you and encourage them to ask questions, such as where are the toilets?
Praise
Every time your child goes somewhere without you, with minimum fuss, praise them for it. This will reinforce that behaviour next time. Even if they cried initially, if they feel acknowledged for their efforts, they’ll feel motivated to continue.
Address Your Own Anxiety
No matter how apprehensive you feel, remain calm and unphased. Children pick up on their parents’ fears and anxieties. If you are worried about how they will cope on their first day at school, they’ll think there’s something to be afraid of and that they should be worried too.
Don’t Avoid People or Places
No parent wants to see their child upset, so it’s tempting not to leave them or to avoid social occasions when they have anxiety. But the more you do this, the more you reinforce the belief that you shouldn’t leave them or they should avoid social occasions.
This way, your child can not overcome their anxiety. Exposure, as difficult as it seems, is the cure. Once they see you came to collect them from Tommy’s tea party and it was actually fun, they’ll more likely find it easier to be away from you next time. But if they don’t go, they won’t know and they’ll just get used to you giving into them. Then when they start school, they will have a harder time leaving you. No matter what kind of kicking or screaming, Oscar performance they give, if you give in once, they’ll expect it all the time and you’ll never be able to leave them. Boundaries, rules, and routines need to be firm but fair.
Rules and Routines
Rules and routines at home offer children an expected pattern to their day. This helps them feel safe. There’s no guessing what’s coming or fear of the unknown. They also help you to pre-empt beforehand your children’s behaviour, so you can plan and accommodate for it. As well as prepare your child for new rules and routines they may have when starting somewhere new.
Look at the Entire Picture
Children’s fears and insecurities may seem trivial to us grownups, but the smallest changes can have an enormous impact. Discussing worries with carers or teachers can help ease separation anxiety. Looking at current events in their lives can help to identify any triggers that maybe heightening their separation anxiety. Such as, are they toilet training? Do they have a new sibling? Are they grieving? Is dad working away from home? Have you recently moved house?
If separation anxiety appears overnight, it may result from trauma, like family bereavement.
This will need to be handled differently from normal separation anxiety because their fears are not irrational but very real.
Keep Goodbyes Short and Sweet
Don’t prolong the inevitable. The more you hang around kissing, cuddling and telling them everything will be ok, the longer the goodbye is and the longer the anxiety lasts. Smile and wave them goodbye and make the parting a positive experience.
If they cling to you when you go to the bathroom, and are no longer interested in activities, days out, or playing with other children, it could be SAD.
Separation anxiety disorder, or SAD, is more extreme than usual separation anxiety. We will explore this on the next blog.
Until then Stay Present, Em x
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